My parents used to fight a lot.
That’s not a
value judgment on them as people or as a married couple. It’s just an
observation. An observation of how seventeen years of marriage can look to a fifteen-year-old
girl. It looked…bothersome, as though
they loved each other deeply, into absolute annoyance. I remember being in high school thinking that
they stayed together only for me and my brother. That the moment I left for college, they
would divorce. They never did. They went on bickering with a smile
for another nineteen years, until my father passed away and my mother lost her best friend.
It’s
strange, the one movie quote that has stuck with me more than anything else
comes from the movie Lackawanna Blues
– “sometimes, a man and a woman have an understanding that no one else
understands”. That line summed up my
parents’ entire relationship for me, and amazes me how much it reflects every
human relationship in this world. For
me, their relationship made about as much sense as a bubble gum hat, but they
were happy together. I didn’t need to
understand it because it wasn’t my relationship to understand. It was their relationship, that I could learn from.
People say
that girls grow up to marry their fathers. I live by a far more accurate truth –
we learn what we want by watching our parents. My parents’ relationship worked
because it was them, but that doesn’t mean that it would ever work for me. In order for me to marry a man like my
father, I would have to be just like my mother…which I am not. We’re about as different as peas and carrots.
I’ve worked
since I was 11 years old and my mother has worked less than 11 years of her life. Yet, I have never seen her want
for anything. I can admire that my
father did everything he knew how to provide for his family, and I appreciate
him for that, but I could never be my parents. I remember my father once
telling me that ‘parents
sacrifice their dreams to the possibility of their child’s future’. However eloquent his use of speech, I
absolutely disagree. Nothing is more
empowering for a child with dreams than to see their parents accomplishing
their own.
The nature
of your parents’ relationship is supposed to help you learn yourself; to teach
you what you want and what you don’t want.
You’ll be able to pick out what works for you and what doesn’t work for
you, how you are similar to your parents and how you are different; such that you should be
able to figure out who you are and who you want to be in your relationships.
I learned enough
from my father to know that he’s not the type of provider that I could
marry. He was a great man and an earnest
financial provider, but I was an adult when he figured out how to truly be a
dad. When he realized that sometimes you
just have to listen, and not speak.
That not everything warrants your
feedback and opinion. I will never berate my father for being who he was. If he weren’t who he was, I wouldn’t be who I
am, but because of who I am…I could never marry a man like my father.
I need a man
who understands the importance of communication. I could never follow a man blindly in
shrouded adherence. To fall in line with
him, step-by-step, for no other reason than him being the man of the house. This
is not my idea of healthy submission. It feels more like worship.
I once asked
my mother if she would truly, ALWAYS side with my father, even if she knew that
he was wrong…. she said yes, she would always stand by her man. That worked for her, it could never work for
me.
I believe in
submission, but I will follow my husband because I trust his leadership, not
simply because he’s my husband. I have
to know that he’s not leaning to his own understanding, but that he’s walking in a
word from God. I don’t have to see it,
but I need to know that we have a plan rooted in God's prompting.
Consider our
Heavenly Father for a moment. The kindest,
gentlest, all powerful, all knowing God.
We don’t blindly follow Him
and He sees everything from beginning to end!!
We will put our lives in the hands of a man and take ourselves out of
the situation completely, yet we tussle with God in the execution of His plan,
wanting to have a hand in everything that happens in our lives.
Follow Me as I Follow God
@RevealingRuth
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