Worth Fighting For

In a previous post, Necessary Roughness, I made mentioned of a gentleman from my past. At present, I can recall myself and the gentleman in question discussing how he would always seek to be honest and forthright (whether I liked it or not) because “how are you going to trust me when you don’t know what’s going on?”

It didn’t take long for that theory to be tested. A few months into our relations, I was unknowingly pulled into a conversation wherein his ex-wife began to assert, what she believed to be, her position in his life. I never responded. I never questioned a thing. I didn’t need to. As she spoke, my mind trailed back to his and my very first phone conversation.

Our initial discussion, like others referred to in that same blog post, was unsolicited. I’d never asked him about the woman in question, so he was never under any obligation to even mention her. Although the two of us would not ultimately end up dating, I was able to see that the unsolicited moments of truth were a way for him to protect not necessarily what was, as much as what might be.

This man knew who he married as much as he knew who he’d divorced.

Proverbs 21:9 (NIV) says it is “better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife”.

What people often fail to realize is that everything you do in this life is most always in efforts of answering a question. In a relationship, people become misguided, often working to answer the question, “how much do you love me”, when the greater question is, “how much do you respect our union?”.

I can remember watching a Sarah Jakes and Toure Roberts video in which she said, “I’d had a love worth fighting for…literally, but I’d never had a love worth protecting”. That statement struck me.

I could recall accepting a man’s ring, having just months before, showed up to his ex-girlfriend's JOB, ready to bash this woman’s face in. This was a woman who had stalked us for the greater part of a year. I was livid with her for not respecting our space, our privacy, and our relationship, when the reality was that he had failed to protect our union.

He knew who we were dealing with and thereby, should have known the necessary measures to put in place to prevent the ridiculous and dangerous situations born out of their residual conflict. As adults, we often wander from one romance to the next, trailing behind us the weight of our former relationships. We like to play a game with ourselves and others, as if we have no idea why we are burdened and exhausted by the effort necessary to maintain successful relationships. The truth is that we are well aware of the weight that we carry. Whether we accept responsibility for the outcomes of our past relationships or not, we carry the truth of those relationships somewhere within our being.

The gentleman of recent note can carry the knowledge of our interactions with the weight of a feather. No harm was caused; no ill-will is harbored, and the remnants of our time together are in no way burdensome. Yet his ex, along with the woman who stalked me & my ex-fiancé, those were heavier relationships - the type that require deliberate unpacking.

I was so angry about this woman playing on our phones; being camped out in bushes across the street from my apartment; shining lights like Girl Scout signals in my bedroom window; showing up at events that we attended, and a host of other acts, that I never stopped to question where she was getting her information. That was... until he called me one night because she had him locked in her apartment.

There are some doors that are better left closed, while others require padlocks and chains....theirs was a door requiring chains.

This woman pretended to have car trouble so that he would bring his mechanic brother...with no car 😒 to her home to check things out. While waiting for his brother, he asked to use her bathroom, and she deadbolted him in.

Do I question the validity of his story? No.
Was he being honest? Sure.
Do I care? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

It does not matter how innocent you THINK your actions are; what matters is how your actions can be interpreted and received. He knew her well enough to know that the slightest interaction would invite continued, dangerously dysfunctional contact. At this point, if you can’t do it yourself, it is left to the police to rescue you, not the woman who served as the other party in the union you failed to protect.

When we are entering into relationship, we have to slow down long enough to see the forest AND the trees. God closes doors to unhealthy relationships not because He’s testing us to see how far the door will crack without being fully opened - God will never tempt you! He is giving you an opportunity to ransom yourself.

Release the burdens of your past. Otherwise, instead of being protected, you'll end up with a love worth fighting for!

Follow Me as I Follow God

@RevealingRuth