My father once told me that there’s
no such thing as a fair fight. It took me 36 years to realize that I
disagree.
A year ago, I had a very nasty
fight with a particular person of interest to me, and Lord God, when I say that
it got UGLY…it was ugly. It was so far beyond me, who I want to be or how I
want to be in my relationships that I COMPLETELY shut up! Not shut down, SHUT UP. I stopped talking and started
praying. I prayed that what the TRUE problem was in our discussion, that it
would be revealed to us in a manner that could be rightly understood and
addressed, because I knew that what we thought had caused our disagreement, was
not what had led us to that moment, and in order to address the real problem,
we had to be able to hear each other clearly enough to figure out what it was.
Whether we give in to its practice
or not, there is only one way to hear something, and that is to actively
listen. Understanding that the two are opposites, we as adults desiring to be
in loving relationships, have to accept that you CANNOT talk and listen at the
same time! So, I shut up and did what we all should do – I prayed. I prayed
over the broken communication that had led us to that moment. I prayed over the
communication filters created by our pasts that had truly led us to that
moment. I prayed over everything that stood between us, but beyond our
understanding, because the wall of offense had been built long before that
moment. The wall between us had been formed from remnants of past hurt that
neither of us had taken part in working to heal.
I
prayed for us to see through what was said in pain or anger, and to live out the
revelation of what fighting in a relationship should be. Then, when it was
finally over, I prayed for God's guidance, and I sent him a very clear email
about the types of engagements that I refuse to participate in.
I get so annoyed when people say
that fighting is healthy. IT'S NOT.
To communicate effectively you, you
will need to openly disagree, but in order to do so, within your relationship,
there are a few things that you need to remember:
2. When
you chose to marry, or to date with intention, you took on the understanding
that the two of you would become one. Proverbs 4:23 warns that we are to guard
our hearts, for out of it flows the issues of life. Acknowledging and accepting
that you don’t know what issues their heart has been forced to endure up to
this point, you should guard the heart of your loved one in the same fashion
that you guard your own. You should never be comfortable hurting anyone that
you profess to love, no matter how you feel at the time.
And finally,
3. In
any disagreement between people who care about each other the most important
thing for you to remember is that it is never you AGAINST them.
When I became silent during our
disagreement, I was able to hear the wounds of his past that remained unhealed,
and how even the smallest action could trigger an unfavorable response, because
some of those wounds were still so fresh and tender.
After reading my message and
getting a good night’s sleep, he realized the one thing that we must all come
to terms with – when you care about someone, it’s never me vs. you, but us
vs. the problem.
If we can listen, and pray our way
to understanding, we can start to heal the wounds that build walls between us;
the wounds that trick us into believing that we’re on different sides, when what
we really should be doing, is fighting together.
Follow Me as I Follow God
@RevealingRuth
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