The Lessons We Allow

What has your past taught you - to fear, or to love?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the seasons of life and the positions we allow others to play in our lives.  In doing so, a connection to a friend has been heavy in my spirit.  Unknowingly, I spent years in this man’s presence, the two of us teetering along the edges of each other’s lives, until about a year ago.

For a moment, the two of us stepped outside of the norm and were able to see one another in a new light. A strong, beautiful, powerful light. A light that has inspired and empowered me, and for him, I can only pray the same.  However, our encounters cause me to ponder the nature of things.

Generally speaking, the most influential relationships of our lives are the ones that happen, not the ones that don’t.  So, how does a man with whom I have never even been on a date, so greatly affect me and my relationships? Plainly stated, because I allowed him to.  We spend so much of our lives focused on RELATIONSHIPS that we forget the importance of RELATIONSHIP.

'They' say that a man and a woman can't be friends. Though I beg to differ, such beliefs highlight the fact that we give relationships too much power. We allow the joy and pain of our romantic history to dictate elements of our lives that should have never been affected.  It dictates where we can and cannot live, work, spend our free time. It especially dictates how we treat the people who come into and out of our lives thereafter.  All of this, we allow.

I vividly recall, the gentleman in question once saying to me how his ex-wife would “cut up” if/when he got married again.  I remember thinking, “WHO CARES!??!”  Yet, even then, it didn’t occur to me the level of power that we give people from our past over our present lives and future.  The remnants of our romantic relationships clutter our minds and dictate how we treat others.  His remnants built a wall around his heart, making it extremely difficult to penetrate for fear of further hurt or disappointment.  My remnants built a mirrored glass wrecking ball, replacing my own walls. I have decided what I want and work constantly to destroy anything outside of that.

Lord’s grace, I have had the time to reflect on the effect that my previous romantic dealings have had on the way that I live my life.  I understand now that no one has power in your life that you’re not willing to give them.  When handled wisely, our past should guide us along the path of wisdom.

When I say that this man has a wall built around his heart, it could sound like I’m taking shots at him - being unfair or somewhat judgmental, but I truly am not.  There is a portion of wisdom that is closed off, strategic and methodical.  Proverbs 4:23-25 directs us to guard our hearts, while reminding us to remain focused (fix your gaze directly before you).  The question becomes how many of us do one without the other?

I have not been in a relationship since my 10-year old daughter was born.  I haven’t been on a real date in seven years.  The way in which I have navigated her exposure to the world, have also limited my own exposure. On the other hand, this man has been in one serious relationship since his divorce. A long distance relationship that allowed him engagement outside of his life as a parent, true enough, but I would argue that it was also the type of relationship that allowed for him to nurture his fear of commitment and limit potential exposure to future pain & disappointment.

I write in next week’s #WednesdayReveal “Say Uncle” about the issues plaguing the daughters of women I know to have…. unstable relationship histories.  Both of whom are currently married.  On the flip side, both myself and the gentleman in question are single, but have healthy, well-adjusted children.

The comparison paints a picture as though we as parents either fail our children – passing in and out of relationships, or we fail ourselves – refusing to allow anyone but our children close enough to love us.

Neither of these positions is a healthy place to reside.  Our relationships should be teaching us to exercise wisdom, not to be afraid.  If 2 Timothy 1:7 teaches us that God has not given us the spirit of fear, then we should start to question where we learned it, and from there, start to be more mindful of the lessons we allow.

Follow Me as I Follow God

@RevealingRuth